Day 4

Day 4 at home.  Some things are very awkward.  He's falling back in to some old habits very quickly. Sunday he went to two meetings to see which one he would like the best.  At 8:30pm I got a text from him saying he had meet some cool guys at the meeting and was going out to have ice cream with them.  I bawled like a baby.  Two totally opposite reactions - I was so thrilled he could be excited about going out for ice cream, but I was also terrified that that is not what he was really doing.  Once bitten twice shy, I guess.  We talked when he got home and he was fine, but when does the mistrust go away?  It probably didn't help to spend two hours reading everyone's blog posts.  So much sadness.  I want to believe that my son wont be like everyone else.  I want him to be the one that only goes through rehab once and is successful.  Need to read some success stories.

Homecoming Looms

2 more days and counting till homecoming. He sounds good on the phone. And I think he's relenting to doing intensive outpatient treatment. We'll see. Got rid of all the alcohol, benadryl, sudafed, whatever. I'm going to miss my cocktail in the evening. But not as much as I would miss him.

Telling my story

I am preparing for my son to come home.  He has now been clean for 22 days.  When he comes home on Friday it will be a few more.  It is scary.  When I decided to blog about my experience, I wanted to name my blog "heroin sucks".  Nothing says it better.  I have watched it quickly reduce my son to someone who's main goal in life everyday was to get enough heroin to either get high or get him through the day until he could get high, and not suffer any withdrawal symptoms.  What happened to my brilliant, promising young man?  I think he is still there.  I know he is still there, he has just got to be able to recognize himself.

Years ago we went through several rough years with our teenage daughter.  It created chaos in our home.  It almost destroyed my marriage.  And I don't want to be back there.  Dealing with an adult is going to be so different.  I have read blog after blog trying to permanently imprint on my brain that his recovery will not belong to me.  I am going to have a tough time with that.  I've always been able to make my baby better.  It's my job as a Mom, right?  Well, can't do it this time.

I am so glad we can be here for him and help him start his journey in life as a sober person.  I am optimistic, but guarded.  I have heard all of the stories at meetings about people who relapse.  Please, let him be the one who doesn't.

Heroin, stay away!